Foreign Concept

Eurovision.

Unless you're European, absolutely baffling.

I was in Greece a few years ago after their candidate had won, and I had no real understanding of why some guy's gyration-happy music video was all over the airwaves. "Eurovision!" everyone said, and I said, yeah, that's nice, but I personally found the tune a little naff.

Then I was told, no, you really have to see the whole contest. So I tuned in.

And witnessed the pride of such countries as Boznia-Herzegovina ...

... and Georgia ...

... and wondered at what the hell was wrong with Moldova when they sent these guys ...

For goodness' sake, there is a unicyclist in the band. Her instrument? Unicycle and pretend trumpet. (When the UK gave them eight points at the end, the BBC commentator sighed, "Britain. You're not taking this seriously.")

Then there was a rap number which was distinctly Greek ...


... and France sent an opera singer.

Mostly I felt just . . . sorry . . . for Ireland.

Then, at the end of every year you see how each of the countries vote. It's absolutely brilliant. Usually, it seems, Russia feels guilty and votes for whichever Eastern European country they're not fussing with (Azerbaijan this year), the UK usually tosses a few points to Ireland, no one votes for Switzerland, the Scandinavian countries all vote for one another, Cyprus votes for Greece (take that, Turkey!), and loads of countries actually vote for Moldova!?!

I loved it. And yet, as I went downstairs to grab a snack from the kitchen and found my Spanish flatmate watching the show unironically, I realised . . . I am such a foreigner. Dear god.